


Safe

by All_the_Queer



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Attempted Intervention, Bad Decisions, Bad hook-ups, Bisexual Yamaguchi Tadashi, Closeted Character, Drinking, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Gay Tsukishima Kei, Hook-Up, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Intervention, Karasuno, Karasuno Family, Karasuno in college, Kei is drunk and not able to consent, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Hatred, Takes place after they graduate high school, Team Parents Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Tsukishima Kei Being an Asshole, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, University, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Yamaguchi Tadashi's Freckles, and not in the fun way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:40:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27515473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/All_the_Queer/pseuds/All_the_Queer
Summary: Yamaguchi is always there for Kei, even when it hurts him. TGIF.This is just pure angst.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 6
Kudos: 90





	Safe

**Author's Note:**

> Do I have other fics I should be working on? Yes. Did I write this anyway? Also yes.
> 
> Pay attention to the Trigger Warnings in the tags. If there are any other tags I forgot that you think I should add to warn people, let me know. Idk, it just seems like this could bring up some bad memories for some people and I don't wanna do that.
> 
> I got this idea while I was writing fluffier things and I couldn't ruin my fluff like that. So this became its own fic. Let's all be sad together.
> 
> I feel like this is the most canon I've ever written Tsukishima, sadly.

It’s 8pm on a Friday and Tsukishima Kei is already tipsy. Just as planned.

He pours himself another shot in his empty apartment. Gin. Not because he likes how it tastes, just because he needs to get sloshed as soon as possible. The group will be here soon and he can’t fall behind. He has a schedule, damn it. A system. It's all worked out. Can't be messing with The System.

His doorbell rings. Kei screws the top back onto the bottle and places it on the counter with a soft clink. He hurriedly drains the shot and tosses the empty glass into the sink. Good buzz from that one. He feels the burn down to his toes. Good stuff.

Kei walks deliberately to the door and untwists the lock. He doesn’t stumble. He’s been drunk before and he’ll be drunk again. He's a big boy. He can handle it.

As expected, Yamaguchi’s face swims into view when the door swings open.

“Ready to go, Tsukki?” He picks at the trim of his shirt.

Kei tries not to gaze too long at the beautiful man before him. He's picking out familiar patterns in his freckles. _Stop._ He nods and reaches for the jacket hanging beside his door. His arms feel slightly longer and harder to manage. He grumbles in frustration.

“Here.” Yamaguchi helps stuff his arms into the sleeves.

“Thanks.”

Yamaguchi wrinkles his nose when Kei’s breath wafts over his face, but he doesn’t mention it. “Of course.”

Yamaguchi’s fingers close around his hand and leads them to the car. Kei’s heart does a little flip when he feels how warm Yamaguchi is. He snatches his hand away. “I’m fine.”

He isn’t drunk enough for this.

“Tsukishimaaa!!” Hinata is loud when they pile into the back seat of Kageyama’s car.

Yamaguchi nods at Nishinoya as he slides into the middle seat. Kei settles in afterwards, pressing himself to the car door so that he isn’t touching Yamaguchi any more than strictly necessary.

“Shut up, idiot.” Kei rubs his temples, head already thumping.

“I won’t.” Hinata beams at him from the front seat. “Happy Friday!!!”

“We know, dumbass!” Kageyama says fondly from the driver’s seat. And they’re off, rushing down the street. Kei watches the road fly by outside.

Yamaguchi is trying not to slide into Kei’s lap. It isn’t working. He needs to try harder or Kei is going to pop a boner.

“Get off.” His mind is spinning at the heady scent of Yamaguchi’s cologne. Ever since Yamaguchi started wearing it a few weeks ago, it has become one of Kei’s favorite smells.

“Sorry, Tsukki!” He fumbles and it jostles them both.

His hand brushes over Kei’s thigh and his breath catches in his throat. Kei has to make it stop before he does something stupid. “Okay, this isn’t working.”

“Calm down, bitchy, we’re almost there.” Kageyama snickers from the front seat.

Oh God is good; Kei has been waiting for an excuse to verbally batter this mother fucker all day.

They exchange petty blows all the way there. Hinata and Yamaguchi giggle. Kei wonders why they’re laughing. It’s enough to distract him from Yamaguchi slowly falling further and further into his lap.

When they pull up to the bar, Suga and Daichi are already there.

“Hey guys! How was the trip?” Suga waves them over to a table.

Kei huffs and everyone laughs. Yamaguchi helps Kei get his jacket off. No one says anything. Good. “I need a drink.” He flags down a waitress.

Hinata immediately blathers on and on about his new Volleyball team and how good everyone is and how excited he is to get better. Suga and Daichi listen patiently. Kageyama orders a drink, too.

 _Poor guy._ Kei laughs privately. He would imagine it’s not easy to be so hopelessly in love with an idiot like Hinata. But then again, Kageyama is an idiot, too. So they probably deserve each other.

“Hey, Tsukki?”

He looks over noncommittally, finger tracing the lip of his glass.

“Um.” Yamaguchi picks at the table.

“What.” It’s harsh. Harsher than he meant. He takes another sip. Kei isn’t drunk enough for this. He’ll never be drunk enough for this.

Yamaguchi stumbles over his words. Kei can’t understand a word of it, but he gets the feeling that he wouldn’t have much luck deciphering it even if he was sober.

Hinata cuts in obliviously. “Hey Yamaguchi! Wanna go to the pit with me?”

He turns to Hinata and away from Kei. _Thank God._

“Um, I’m gonna go dance?” He asks Kei permission, like always.

“Okay.” He pretends not to care.

Yamaguchi nods shortly and then he’s gone, pushing through the crowd with Hinata and Nishinoya. Kei feels the empty air in the seat next to him after Yamaguchi leaves.

“Kei.” A disappointed voice.

“Daichi.” He spits. “Don’t call me that.”

“Okay, then. Tsukishima.”

Kei shouldn’t be this mean. They’ve known each other for years. He doesn’t care. “What do you want?”

“He’s not your dog.”

Kei’s stomach churns with shame before it bleeds into anger. What gives Daichi the right? He fakes innocence. “Who?”

“You know who.”

He clenches his fist, ready to punch. But Kei takes another drink and forces himself to relax. Instead, he uses another weapon; sarcasm. “Thank you for your concern. I’ll bring it up with management.”

“Tsukishima.” Daichi warns.

“Sawamura.” He mocks.

Suga whispers to Daichi that it isn’t worth it. Tsukishima agrees. It isn’t. Kageyama is too lost in his own world--mesmerized by Hinata’s ass on the dance floor--to know what’s going on.

Kei watches Yamaguchi from a distance. The way he moves is breath-taking. Tsukishima’s head swims with desire as he reaches his usual level of comfortably drunk.

“Time for some water, Kei.” Suga presses it into his hands.

He doesn’t argue. Just drinks it, eyes glued to Yamaguchi. He watches the lights play off of Yamaguchi’s hair, turning it different colors.

“Good job.” Suga swaps his empty glass for another. “One more.”

He doesn’t push back. Just lets Suga baby him. “Okay.”

“Good.”

Yamaguchi twists and turns shyly. Kei orders another drink to balance out the water.

It takes 15 minutes for Kei to find a target. He spots a guy with a leather jacket and a biker aesthetic talking loudly with a group of friends across the way. Their eyes connect and Kei finds himself breathless.

“Be back later.” He tells Daichi, Suga, and Kageyama.

“Kei.” Daichi cautions.

“Daichi.” He smirks.

Kageyama just hums.

He picks his way through the bar and immediately begins flirting, feeling up muscular arms. The guy doesn’t waste any time ditching his own friends to disappear into a bathroom stall with Kei.

***

Kei is pinned against the cold wall. His heart rate picks up and he’s ready to get destroyed.

The guy breathes into his face and Kei almost gags on the scent of cigarette smoke. “Such a good little bitch.”

Kei hates it. He doesn’t say anything. Just surges forward and kisses him anyway.

The man pushes into his mouth with a ferocity that Kei would find disrespectful if he were sober. He doesn’t care. The unbearable cigarette taste is everywhere. Filling up his senses. The man bites into his lip and Kei hates it.

His eyes roll back in pleasure as he feels thick fingers unbuckle his belt.

“Beg for it.”

His stomach twists in disgust. It’s fine. Kei deserves this. “Please.”

***

Kei leans close and fixes his hair in the mirror. His lip is still bleeding. He smells like cigarettes. His glasses are broken on the floor. He picks them up and sighs, stuffing them in his pocket.

He wets a paper towel and wipes it over his lip. He sucks in a breath when it burns.

Kei feels a little insulted that the man didn’t leave his phone number. Kei usually gets phone numbers. He’d never call them, but still. It’s the intention behind the thing.

He decides he looks fine. His reflection is a little blurry without his glasses, and he can’t really tell. A little disheveled maybe, but fine. Well, no one can expect him to look his best after taking it up the ass. He washes his hands and face one more time before taking a shaky breath and stumbling back outside.

Yamaguchi isn’t dancing anymore. He sits at the table holding Kei’s jacket. Kei’s heart sinks.

***

“Welcome back.” Daichi crosses his arms, distinctly furious. Kei can tell, even without glasses. He feels it in the air.

“Thanks, _dad.”_ He quips, coughing into his hand to disguise the flash of pain as he sits down.

Yamaguchi’s voice is concerned. “You’re bleeding.” He picks up a napkin but Kei pushes him away.

“Yeah.” He sucks his lip between his teeth and bites down. It hurts. That’s good. Kei deserves this. He orders another drink.

The table is silent for a solid minute.

Kei ignores their surely judgemental glares. He finds the drink and downs it.

Hinata starts talking again. Not as high-energy as earlier. Why is everyone so damn quiet? It’s not like this is the first time Kei’s hooked up in the bathroom. Far from.

Suga motions for Kei to follow him for A Talk. _Yeah, no thanks._

Kei ignores him, nursing another drink instead.

Suga feels almost as disappointed as Daichi.

Kei stifles a giggle at the idea of Suga rivaling Daichi in the Disappointed Dads Squad™.

“I think you’ve had enough.”

He nearly drops his drink. “What?”

Five blurry faces are turned on him. He can feel their eyes beating down on him like five suns in a desert.

“I said, I think you’ve had enough.” Suga repeats.

Yamaguchi looks around nervously. “Listen you guys, I-I don’t think we n-need to--”

“Yeah.” Kageyama says quietly. “I think you should go.”

“Go?” Kei’s tongue is heavy. Shame floods through him. He isn’t drunk enough for this.

“Go get some rest. Take care of yourself, man.” Nishinoya cuts in.

He _really_ isn’t drunk enough for this.

“Go home. Get some sleep.” Daichi’s voice is disgustingly supportive. Kei wants to be punched, not coddled.

“You know that if I go home, I’ll just drink more.” He threatens. “So why not stay here?”

They look down at him. Kei notices he is slouching. He straightens up and feels dizzy.

Yamaguchi steadies him.

He pushes him away. He doesn’t need this. He doesn’t need to be treated like a child. “No. You know what--?”

“Tsukki.”

Kei stops.

His discarded jacket is a blob of color bunched up in Yamaguchi’s hands.

Kei wants to be knocked the fuck out. _Why won’t someone just punch me? My glasses are already broken! Nothing left to lose._

Yamaguchi sniffs and discreetly wipes at his eyes. “Let’s go home.”

Kei’s heart breaks right in half. “Okay.”

***

Suga calls them a Lyft. He offers to take Kei home. He wants Yamaguchi to stay out and have more fun. Yamaguchi declines with a smile. Kei wants to die. He wants Yamaguchi to stay out. _Don’t worry about me._ But at the same time… he wants his best friend to be with him right now.

The Lyft pulls up. There’s enough room in the car so that Yamaguchi doesn’t have to sit on Kei’s lap for the ride. He helps Kei inside, but instead of joining him, Yamaguchi chooses to sit up front.

Kei flops painfully across both empty seats, the movement punching a grunt out of him. His mind dips in and out of clarity. He feels distinctly like shit.

Yamaguchi doesn’t say anything. Good.

When the car arrives at Kei’s apartment, he is pulled Kei out of the car and his companion thanks the driver. Yamaguchi is still holding his jacket. Kei doesn’t ask for it back. He likes how it looks, cradled in those speckled arms.

When they get to his door, Kei can barely unlock it.

“Here.” Stable fingers help steady the key.

“Get off.” Kei grunts reflexively.

“Sorry.” Yamaguchi helps anyway.

Kei wants to be dumped onto the floor and left to rot.

Instead, Yamaguchi hoists him inside and kicks the door closed with a too-loud _bang._

Kei hates himself when he catches his mind wandering to how strong Yamaguchi has gotten. He’s supporting almost all of Kei’s weight even though Kei is still taller than him. _Disgusting. I’m disgusting._

Kei is set gently down on his couch, he sucks in a pained breath.

“Get me a drink, Yamaguchi? In the kitchen, there’s--”

“No.”

“What?” Anger prickles down Kei’s neck. He needs to be drunk right now. He can already feel himself slipping into being a little more aware. Why would Yamaguchi deny him at a time like this? _I thought you were on my side._

Yamaguchi’s foot digs into the carpet. “No. I won’t.”

“Why not?” He flings his arm over the back of the couch, trying to get up on his own. He can’t. He hurts all over.

Yamaguchi watches him. He doesn’t help. “Suga’s worried about you.”

Kei can’t move. He can’t do anything. He stares at Yamaguchi. “Why?” He demands again. He knows why.

“Um.” Kei watches his best friend of over 10 years as he can’t get the words out. It’s not because he’s had too much to drink. Kei is fairly certain Yamaguchi is sober by now if he'd even had anything to drink at all.

“I don’t need to be babied. I can take care of myself.” _Please punch me. Deck me. Break my nose. I deserve it. I’m hurting you. Hurt me._

“Tsukki.” From this distance, Kei can see the fat tears wet Yamaguchi’s lashes. He can’t wipe them away before they fall. Streaking down his face. Shooting stars through the sky of his freckles.

Kei’s heart breaks again. He softens his voice. “Tadashi?”

“Don’t.” He sobs just once, quietly, before fleeing to the kitchen.

Kei’s limbs won’t respond when he tries to run after. So he stays where he is. He wishes someone would break into his house and stab him in the chest so he wouldn’t have to face anyone else ever again. His head hurts. His chest is tight. If he had control over his own movements, he would bash his head into the floor in the hopes that he would get a concussion and forget this ever happened.

“Tsukki?”

Kei jolts awake from where he’s almost nodded off to sleep on the couch.

Gentle fingers scrape through his sweaty hair. It’s the only thing that doesn’t hurt. His head hurts from the drinks. His body hurts from being slammed into the bathroom wall. His eyes hurt from the strain of not wearing glasses. His chest hurts and it’s getting hard to breathe. He leans into the touch. It doesn’t hurt.

A cold cloth brushes over his burning forehead. He shivers pleasantly at the sensation.

“Don’t… need… care… about… me.” He is so tired. So, so tired. But this is important. He has to tell Yamaguchi to leave. Leave him alone. Go have fun. Find someone else to care about. _I’m a lost cause._

“Stop talking.” Yamaguchi doesn’t leave. He stays. Kei hates it.

He hates how Yamaguchi touches him like Kei is the most precious thing in the world. _I’m not. I’m disgusting._ He hates how Yamaguchi carefully dresses his punctured lip and cares for the bruises on his arms. _Leave me alone._ Instead, Yamaguchi cradles him and coaxes Kei’s exhausted head onto his shoulder.

“Where are your glasses? Did you lose them again?” He says softly. He traces small patterns on Kei’s hand.

Kei grunts and fumbles at his pocket.

Yamaguchi’s fingers nimbly take over, finding and pulling out the broken frames. He breathes out a quiet, “Oh.”

Shame washes over Kei and his mind conjures up the thick smell of cigarettes. Disgust crawls up his spine and he runs away, twists his face into Yamaguchi’s shoulder. He can still smell his faint cologne. He breathes it in greedily. He’s disgusting, he knows. But it smells so good. Like Yamaguchi. And it covers up the cigarettes.

“Did he hurt you?”

“No.” It’s true. Kei wanted it. He walked right up to the man and asked for it. But it still feels like he’s lying somehow. He smells the cigarettes again and gags. He tries to burrow deeper into Yamaguchi, grasping for his comforting scent.

“...Kei?”

A dam breaks. He’s sobbing, crying, soaking Yamaguchi’s shirt.

Yamaguchi’s arm is suddenly around his shoulders squeezing him close. “Tsukki?! Are you okay?”

He can’t speak. His throat is sticky and gummy and swollen shut. So he just shakes his head no.

“I can stay over. I’ll cancel my plans tomorrow. We’ll get you some new glasses!” Yamaguchi rambles, all-in for Kei. Again.

Kei doesn’t want him to do that. He wants Yamaguchi to live his own goddamn life, not sacrifice another weekend for Kei. He wants Yamaguchi to leave. He wants… 

He grips Yamaguchi tighter between clumsy fingertips.

Kei leans into him. He can’t stop. He can only fight for breath. Everything is blurry and far away and he can still feel the man’s tongue pushing into his mouth. He wants to run. He smells cigarettes.

“It’s okay. It’s okay. You’re okay.”

 _I’m not. I’m really, really not. I can't get rid of him, Yamaguchi. He's still here._ He panics.

"Shh," Yamaguchi runs fingers through Kei's hair.

He can't calm down. His heart is racing. He smells cigarettes.

"It's okay."

Kei gasps desperately, trying to find something, anything else. But it's everywhere. He can't concentrate.

"Shh. It's going to be okay."

"Yamaguchi." It takes all of his strength to say weakly between sobs. "Help."

Arms squeeze him tighter. "I'm here. You're safe."

**Author's Note:**

> The Trevor Project is a place to talk if you are LGBT+ and feeling some type-a way. The TrevorLifeline: 1-866-488-7386
> 
> <3 Stay strong everyone
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dP9s61D-BXw&ab_channel=yingerszx A good animatic similar to this concept but cuter


End file.
